Kitsch to Kitsch in Under Two Hours
The latest stimulus bill contains some $8 billion for developing high-speed passenger rail service – much too little, in our opinion.
Despite the fact that the United States still has the largest rail network in the world, unlike many other developed and even undeveloped countries, our passenger rail service leaves a whole lot to be desired, mainly because it is more profitable for the railroads to carry freight, rather than people. Read more on that in our guest post at Phuck Politics.
The funny thing about the project is that despite some real need to improve the passenger rail service in the Northeast Corridor, between Washington, New York and Boston where the Amtrak Acela service crawls along, instead of flying, there are some other plans afoot.
Why aren’t the Acelas flying, you might ask? The reason is rather simple: the Acela trains were actually built four inches (10cm) wider than they should, reducing the permissible tilt on the turns from 6.5 to 4.2 degrees, effectively reducing the speed on large sections of the Northeast Corridor. At issue is basically the fact that it has been determined that a more pronounced tilt, at a higher speed could be dangerous if two trains were traveling in opposite directions on the same turn. So, the Washington, to Boston trip, which could have and should have taken just over three hours, if everything was copasetic, takes over six hours. That is not high-speed rail by our definition, not in the 21st century, anyway.
There are also many other needed route improvements throughout the U.S., including in the Midwest and along the West Coast. All of those seemed to have been dwarfed by the urgent need to build a 300 mph magnetic levitation train (maglev) – similar to the German/Chinese super-fast route in Shanghai – from Disneyland, to Las Vegas.
Just think what a super-fast and the world’s longest so far maglev rail line between the cute, but kitschy Magic Kingdom and the not so cute and even kitschier Sin City could do to improve our dire passenger rail situation. Sounds like a great idea. Don’t you think? I am already trying to envision Mickey Mouse, dressed as a Nevada hooker, with gambler’s gold bracelets and chains here. That logo could and should be prominently displayed on the new trains, so there is absolutely no doubt about what we are dealing with here. Are you listening Harry Reid? Did you coordinate this great idea with Amtrak Joe first?
Is the line going to include extensions, leading high-speed trains to the whorehouses of Nevada as well? We sure hope so. Just think of all of those needy customers, already pumped up with Viagra, Levitra and other erectile dysfunction remedies rushing along, trying to make it there under four hours. We all have heard warnings that “if your erection lasts more than four hours, get medical help right away”. Maybe the trains should have fully staffed onboard emergency rooms? The Cleveland Clinic warns that: “Priapism is a persistent, usually painful, erection that lasts for more than four hours and occurs without sexual stimulation. The condition develops when blood in the penis becomes trapped and unable to drain. If the condition is not treated immediately, it can lead to scarring and permanent erectile dysfunction.”
Those trains better be fast and on time. We would hate to see all of those gold chain and bracelet-wearing dumbos develop any “scarring and permanent erectile dysfunction”. That might negatively impact the Nevada whorehouse industry and along with that the all-important casino enterprises, which by the way did not appear to receive any DIRECT financial assistance from the stimulus bill so far, with the exception of the possibility of the magnetic levitation rail line, of course.
